I am a dreamer.

I always have been, hopefully I always will be, a dreamer.
DREAM.
-to form in the imagination
-most desirable/ideal
-an aspiration/goal
-a wild or vain fancy
-something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence

....something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence....

That is what I dream.

I used to dream of owning a big house with my "perfect" husband and my wonderful children.
It would be a haven for abused and neglected children, troubled teens, and stray dogs.
It would overflow with love and grace and mercy; the words "God bless this home and all in it" written overhead if not in ink, then in spirit.

What happened to that dream? What happened to me?
I gave up. I gave up on dreams, I gave up on people, I gave up on God.

I used to have dreams and visions almost every night of things God was doing in me, through me, and around me.

What happened to those dreams?

I accepted the mindset of "whatever happens, happens."
I gave control to the world.


Lord, make me a dreamer once again.
Fill my heart with thoughts of unreal beauty, charm, and excellence.

Fill me with Your dreams again

Paper plate life.

Put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine
it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are...

-Shane and Shane


I feel like I am dying inside. No, I feel like I AM dead inside. Yet there is a yearning for something so much better, something I've tasted before.

I have had the best, I have loved life, I have tasted freedom in Christ. I remember what that is like and it hurts.
Tears well in my eyes as I think about how much I miss Him. how much I need Him. how much I thought I didn't need Him.
I miss You so.

I have tried to push Him away, I have tried to satisfy myself, I have tried to prove that I can be something without Him. I can't. I am nothing without Him. I am empty.

I've been eating off a paper plate, drinking soda from a can. Meanwhile, there is a banquet table with fine china and wine waiting for me, as is the King.

I miss You.

Head to the banqueting table my friends. He is waiting with everything you need.

Stressed.

Oh where to begin...
Well, good news I guess!

Finals are next week! I'll be done by noon on Wednesday! YAAAAY (:

Baby is crawling now and he is into everything!! His current favorite is emptying the bathroom trashcan onto the floor...such a great time.

---------------------------------------------
Finances. I don't know how this happened, and I've checked our records over and over and nothing's "not right" but somehow we are down to $94.87 in our bank account. with about $175 in bills to pay.
We got our rent paid on time, so that was a huge relief! Now it's just utilities and internet....bah. Not to mention cat shots, formula, car tire, car repairs...OH and food too! Dang it.
Any recommendations??

Just wanting to make it thru this next week....

Not much to report

Don't have too much going on right now...
Actually that's probably not true, now that I think about it...

I have a 10-page paper due on Thursday for Adolescent Psychology, another 10-page paper due on next Monday in Working with Families, aaand a 5-10 pager due that same Monday for my Eastern Philosophy class....blaaaah.
I have about 1 page done on 1 paper. That is all.

Jer has been working CRAAAZY hours the last week and it's driving me crazy!! I'm doing everything by myself! I can't do it!
Even when he finally gets home, he plops his butt in front of the tv and plays video games. Honestly?! There's a huge pile of clean laundry in the room, loads of dishes to put in the dishwasher, baby is hungry (as always!), and I have been at class and school all day, still have homework and papers to do!!!!! HELPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

I had a little chat with him a few days ago, and he was really sweet about it and said sorry, and he was gunna change, yada yada. Right.
Still comes right home, says hi to me and baby, PLOP goes his butt. ON goes the Xbox 360.

Dang it.
What am I to do?!

NeW cAr

We bought a new car on Thursday woohoo!
Now I don't have to drive Jer everywhere (:

It's a 96 Honda Accord in pretty good condition! We have to fix a couple things before it can pass inspection but it's not too bad.
It looks GREAT! Almost spotless. There is one little dent on a corner but that's all!

I'm so so happy we finally found a good one (:
I'll post pics when I take them.

Lately.

I've been dealing with a lot of regret lately.
Not guilt about getting pregnant before marriage, I've repented from that and moved on.
But regret about marriage.
I love Jeremy and I know he loves me, there's no doubt about that.
But honestly, regret that I let someone go, or rather threw them aside, someone who knew me better than anyone else ever has. Someone who loved me, who led me in the Lord, who encouraged me, who was my best friend.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need God's help to move on and to love my husband with all that I can.

Jer's Birthday

Tomorrow is Jer's birthday! I planned a surprise party about a month ago and had everything planned. but he found out ):
So it's no longer a surprise but we're still pretty excited about it (:

Nothing too special, just pizza, soda, chips...the standard nasty "party" food haha

I pray God blesses him and all his friends who come (:



aaand can't wait to see Joy and Daniel tomorrow!!!

New Friends

So I have lots of friends on Facebook from school but very few of them do I ever talk to.

There is a girl in a couple of my classes that I thought was pretty cool, and we are friends on Facebook and everything, but hadn't really talked too much.

I saw her status today, "Jordan loved tonight's service! God is truly amazing and works in ways we wouldn't believe!!"

So I asked her what church she went to. and we've been chatting for almost two hours now, just talking about some life experiences and our hopes and the dreams God has given us.

Her story is amazing! God has really turned her life around and is using her in amazing ways.

Thank you Lord for my new friend (:

Thought I would leave you with this: my precious baby chewing on a dingdong, thanks to his father!

No worries, I took it all out of his mouth asap.

Promised Pics

Ok, so here are the pics I promised. Sorry I don't have any current ones, these are from the beginning of move-in. Updated ones coming soon!!
(:

These days...

Well we are in our new apartment and it is AMAZING!!! I love it!!!

Except...we don't have internet. I had no idea how much I depend on it for everything, but aaaaaagh, i need it! lol

On a different note, Jer got um...."promoted." Technically he got fired then hired in a different position, but yeah. It suckssss. It's already after 8:30 tonight and he still is not off yet.
I hope he doesn't stay at this job long. I already hate it.


School is going pretty well. I have a feeling these papers are gunna sneak up and bite me in the behind. It's so hard trying to do research without internet! I don't know how people do it. Funny how fast things change...

Well that's all for now, gotta go feed the munchkin (:

Back to school

School starts again for me tomorrow morning.

I'm not gunna lie, I'm not looking forward to it. but I know if I don't do it now, I probably won't do it in the future.

I really don't want to do homework. I mean, REALLY don't want to. Can I stress that enough? I hate homework!!!!!!

This is a busy week! School starts, Mom gets back Tuesday night, we're moving Thursday/Friday...agh.

Not much else to report...that's pretty much it...

I miss these days ): (volleyball tourney in Joplin, 06)

I miss this too (parasailing in Destin, FL, senior trip 07)

Splashing in the Shelter Fountain, Spring 06

gutting houses in New Orleans, August 06

That's all for now.

Good news!!!!

We signed a lease on an apartment yesterday!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
It's super nice. Two bedrooms, kitchen/dining room, big living room, bathroom, and....laundry room!!!!!!!
We will be getting a little financial help from the in-laws for this apartment, which is a huge blessing. Their support and care means so much to me.

Haven't had a chance to tell my moomoo the good news yet as she's on a cruise thru the Panama Canal for the next couple weeks.

So we've been housesitting and taking care of my brother while she's gone, and it's going quite well so far!

No pics of the place because I didn't have my camera with me ):

But we move in the 15th of January and of course that will all be documented (: