I am a dreamer.

I always have been, hopefully I always will be, a dreamer.
DREAM.
-to form in the imagination
-most desirable/ideal
-an aspiration/goal
-a wild or vain fancy
-something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence

....something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence....

That is what I dream.

I used to dream of owning a big house with my "perfect" husband and my wonderful children.
It would be a haven for abused and neglected children, troubled teens, and stray dogs.
It would overflow with love and grace and mercy; the words "God bless this home and all in it" written overhead if not in ink, then in spirit.

What happened to that dream? What happened to me?
I gave up. I gave up on dreams, I gave up on people, I gave up on God.

I used to have dreams and visions almost every night of things God was doing in me, through me, and around me.

What happened to those dreams?

I accepted the mindset of "whatever happens, happens."
I gave control to the world.


Lord, make me a dreamer once again.
Fill my heart with thoughts of unreal beauty, charm, and excellence.

Fill me with Your dreams again

Paper plate life.

Put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine
it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are...

-Shane and Shane


I feel like I am dying inside. No, I feel like I AM dead inside. Yet there is a yearning for something so much better, something I've tasted before.

I have had the best, I have loved life, I have tasted freedom in Christ. I remember what that is like and it hurts.
Tears well in my eyes as I think about how much I miss Him. how much I need Him. how much I thought I didn't need Him.
I miss You so.

I have tried to push Him away, I have tried to satisfy myself, I have tried to prove that I can be something without Him. I can't. I am nothing without Him. I am empty.

I've been eating off a paper plate, drinking soda from a can. Meanwhile, there is a banquet table with fine china and wine waiting for me, as is the King.

I miss You.

Head to the banqueting table my friends. He is waiting with everything you need.

Stressed.

Oh where to begin...
Well, good news I guess!

Finals are next week! I'll be done by noon on Wednesday! YAAAAY (:

Baby is crawling now and he is into everything!! His current favorite is emptying the bathroom trashcan onto the floor...such a great time.

---------------------------------------------
Finances. I don't know how this happened, and I've checked our records over and over and nothing's "not right" but somehow we are down to $94.87 in our bank account. with about $175 in bills to pay.
We got our rent paid on time, so that was a huge relief! Now it's just utilities and internet....bah. Not to mention cat shots, formula, car tire, car repairs...OH and food too! Dang it.
Any recommendations??

Just wanting to make it thru this next week....

Not much to report

Don't have too much going on right now...
Actually that's probably not true, now that I think about it...

I have a 10-page paper due on Thursday for Adolescent Psychology, another 10-page paper due on next Monday in Working with Families, aaand a 5-10 pager due that same Monday for my Eastern Philosophy class....blaaaah.
I have about 1 page done on 1 paper. That is all.

Jer has been working CRAAAZY hours the last week and it's driving me crazy!! I'm doing everything by myself! I can't do it!
Even when he finally gets home, he plops his butt in front of the tv and plays video games. Honestly?! There's a huge pile of clean laundry in the room, loads of dishes to put in the dishwasher, baby is hungry (as always!), and I have been at class and school all day, still have homework and papers to do!!!!! HELPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

I had a little chat with him a few days ago, and he was really sweet about it and said sorry, and he was gunna change, yada yada. Right.
Still comes right home, says hi to me and baby, PLOP goes his butt. ON goes the Xbox 360.

Dang it.
What am I to do?!

NeW cAr

We bought a new car on Thursday woohoo!
Now I don't have to drive Jer everywhere (:

It's a 96 Honda Accord in pretty good condition! We have to fix a couple things before it can pass inspection but it's not too bad.
It looks GREAT! Almost spotless. There is one little dent on a corner but that's all!

I'm so so happy we finally found a good one (:
I'll post pics when I take them.

Lately.

I've been dealing with a lot of regret lately.
Not guilt about getting pregnant before marriage, I've repented from that and moved on.
But regret about marriage.
I love Jeremy and I know he loves me, there's no doubt about that.
But honestly, regret that I let someone go, or rather threw them aside, someone who knew me better than anyone else ever has. Someone who loved me, who led me in the Lord, who encouraged me, who was my best friend.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need God's help to move on and to love my husband with all that I can.

Jer's Birthday

Tomorrow is Jer's birthday! I planned a surprise party about a month ago and had everything planned. but he found out ):
So it's no longer a surprise but we're still pretty excited about it (:

Nothing too special, just pizza, soda, chips...the standard nasty "party" food haha

I pray God blesses him and all his friends who come (:



aaand can't wait to see Joy and Daniel tomorrow!!!